Dec 112012
 

As if we have to have a meaning to live, we question at times what the meaning of life is. Not to take away from the fact that life is only produced out of procreation and a natural cycle that enables existence (obviously), but many, if not all, people want to know what our purpose here is.

Some mean to ask our purpose as a group of people whereas others mean it personally to say what is my individual purpose for existing. We of course know how we came to be and literally why, but we find ourselves questioning what we, the named individuals that we are, are meant to do with our lives.
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Dec 042012
 

**Note: This will jump around. I can’t spit this word vomit out in any other way that makes sense right now because I can’t make sense of it in my head. I can’t make sense of it so I must write it out as I think it. Perhaps I will come back to it and modify it to a better flow, but for now, pure word vomit is all I can offer.**

More than once recently I have heard it said that “everything happens for a reason.” I’m still not sure where I stand on the issue. In discussing the idea of “free will vs fate/determinism”, I have run into this concept before.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around what I think because it always seems to create a paradox in my mind. I run in circles right back to start. I can reconcile that we are the effects of a first cause, but not that our effects are with an effectual purpose/reason.
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Dec 032012
 

I will be 31 years old in a few months. This does not depress me at all. I am not one of those women who thinks age is a hindrance or a representative of what I should have been or could be doing. I am not one of those women who thinks XYZ should be happening or already happened. Rather, I am still in awe in how I am ever-changing; I do not settle. I know that I can be better than myself.

Over the years, many have misjudged me; they have assumed they know me or that they know who I am. Reading this blog, one could assume I am a depressed, lost soul. One could assume I am a lovesick puppy who pines over lost love. One could assume that I live in a fantasy world because I prefer it to reality. One could assume I’m a recluse. Solitary. Abandoned. Continue reading »

Nov 182012
 

Every now and again, I like to read over past posts to see where my mind was and what I was thinking. In reading my Maddening post, I felt like I sounded a lot crazier than I was or even intended to sound. I realized then and still now that what I was writing sounded crazy and could technically be considered crazy (though the ‘psychotic’ connection we like to make with the word is our own making, and not Psychologically sound at all), but I am not clinically crazy/troubled/insane or anything along those lines. Stressed, yes. Burned out, yes. Anxious, yes. But crazy I am not. And not to say that I am trying to justify myself or clarify that I am not crazy when I actually am (as many mentally deficient people tend to do), but to say that I do have a clear knowledge of right and wrong and can control my actions accordingly. I may make decisions that in hindsight are volatile or the wrong decisions, but in the moment, even if my logic is flawed, I am still taking calculated risks. In the moments even, I know that I will regret some decisions later, but I truly have lived by the mantra that ‘you only live once’ and you should therefore try almost anything once and/or live with no regrets. While I do live with some regrets, I learn more and more that I need to do more and think less to avoid adding more regrets.

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Feb 172012
 

If I died today, I want you to know…

There are three things you should always learn to say (and when):

I love you

Some people have a hard time telling others how they feel. It could be that they were chastised by their parents for expressing themselves when they were younger, and were therefor trained to keep their feelings private. It could be that they don’t actually feel anything for you. It could be that they are just that selfish/self-centered. It could be that they don’t know how to express their feelings.
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Feb 162012
 

I have been doing a lot of introspection lately and trying to overcome my demons and embrace my angels. I hang out with a variety of people of a range of ages and it is interesting to see the way others view the world. Some perceptions are rooted in the same ideas (ie. ‘you can’t help those who can’t help themselves’ or ‘take care of yourself first’ etc.) and others are either demented versions of the truth or lessons you never had to learn yourself.

I wish I would have done a lot more introspection in my early 20s because I don’t think I would have made many of the mistakes I did, or at least on as grand of a scale as I did at times. I would have surely made other mistakes, but I would have guarded my heart better; that is the only mistake that hits me the most.
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Jan 262012
 

Sometimes I want to cry because I need to. Sometimes I don’t want to cry because I don’t need to. Sometimes I cry too much. Sometimes I want to cry because I need to.

I can’t stop now, but a good cry is cleansing. A good, deep, soulful cry; the one that comes from the broken heart. Or when sorrow is actualized. In this case, maybe both.
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