Jan 232012
 

I love to learn new things. I love to learn. I love to learn about myself. Or understand myself, really. I like being able to have answers to my questions.

The problem is, I don’t always trust myself either. I am still learning to do that. I am still learning what it means to trust myself and how. I am still learning how to be a healthy-minded adult. The problem is, I can convince myself of something if I keep at it long enough [as I am sure most of us can]. If something doesn’t add up, I have to make it fit. I know that that is a shortcoming of mine that I must overcome as well, but I figure I will do that by effect of learning to trust myself.
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Dec 232011
 

So you have a friend, right. And they say they are your friend, have your back, love you, are there for you, and care.

And do they show it?

Consistently forget about you, consistently break their word to you, and consistently only think about themselves.

You give because you love and don’t know how to stop. Time, money, resources, energy, emotion…

Consistently they show they don’t care about you, but what you can give. Entertainment, distraction, support, silent in a lie…

You want to believe their words, but their actions never support them. How do you train your mind to believe things contrary to what it sees?

Why do they do it?

Why do you ache to your core because you have lost them?

Your own fault and doing; your own request.

What they wanted anyhow?

Why think of them.

You are an afterthought.

If they are so ‘bad’, why do you ‘care’?

I am bad. Does that mean they don’t ‘care’? I care because I love. I love because their bad doesn’t change their good.

I am imperfect. You are imperfect. They are imperfect. People are imperfect.

I am mean. You are mean. They are mean. People are mean.

I hurt. I make mistakes. I’m like everyone else. I don’t want to be like everyone else.

They lie. They care only about themselves and their own. They are like everyone else. They don’t care about you.

Everyone fails. Everyone is imperfect.

Why does it hurt if they are like everyone else?

And then I become everyone else. And no idea how to stop it.

But it is not just me. I am not the sole perpetrator in this nonsense. They do do as I have said. I just don’t know how to let the slights slide.

Perceived¬† a fake, and a fake perhaps I am, but they give meaning to ‘the perfect drug’; and they are addicting. Their energy eases your soul. Friend.

I know a friend. I have had a friend. I have had friends. Drop everything for someone they haven’t seen in years to pick them up when they were stranded. Gave money. Time. Resources. A shoulder to cry on. Ear to bend. They never had to be reminded. Never had to be shown. They made you feel like family.

It’s an anomaly to me; why can’t I figure out the riddle?

The best of the best. None can compare; so why compare?

Dual personalities. One is your equal, the other looks down at you. One can speak openly to you for hours, the other thinks you are beyond ‘understanding’. One is honest, the other lies. Both are talented. Both are funny. Both comprise the best.

It’s the thought that counts. Just the thought. I can’t get it through to them.

I just want to be considered.

Oct 052011
 

My problem is not that I am depressed with things I cannot have or things that will never be. It’s that I’m depressed with things that are. I don’t like where I am and I don’t like having regrets.

I regret leaving home, I regret not focusing more on my studies in school, I regret sacrificing for others, I regret missed opportunities, and I regret not acting on my feelings given the chance. I regret making my cousin lie when I was 12! I regret that I didn’t stop by my grandma’s room when I was allowed to go into my room and get some more of my things when I was in foster care. I regret secluding myself from one foster family that was really nice; though I loved being with them, they thought I didn’t want to be there and moved me again.
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