It’s maddening; the idea that I am repeating this period of my life, and for how long? How long will I be reliving the moment? Everyone tells me it’s neurological and/or my Epilepsy, but it feels SO real! It feels so fantastically real but like there is no end. The never-ending paradox created how? Why? Why me? If it is just Epilepsy, how could it create the feeling so vividly? Are our minds so fascinatingly powerful that we can deceive ourselves into believing we have lived this very moment before? Are we able to create this world that is a sea of repeat at the toss of a hat? I feel like I did this a year ago, but I know it can’t be possible; not in the literal sense anyhow. Perhaps in the sense that I never see the end of this year or beginning of next. Maybe I cycle through. Maybe it’s my bargain with God.
I wanted to prove to someone that I really cared about them (because I did) so I bargained with God. I felt like last year was my last (yes, I am that lost and confused at times) and bargained for another just to be able to prove to that someone that someone could actually care about them just for being them. I didn’t get to do that; at least, I didn’t get as much time to do that as I would have expected. Does God call in his deal? What if I was wrong? What if I didn’t have one last year? My mind spirals into a thought process that includes multiple variations of the future; what if the bargain made no sense in the context? Of course it made no sense, right? I am a generally healthy person; I rarely get sick even. Yet I have written this post before (and even knowing that in my head, I feel compelled to write it still); I feel it to the core of my body that I have lived this moment of my life before. Am I doomed to repeat it over and over and what point is the breaking point of the paradox? What point must I do differently to prevent it from happening again? How do I relate that information to my future self?
I know I sound crazy; I feel crazy. I know it doesn’t make sense; I feel crazy. I’m not crazy though; I don’t want to be crazy. I do feel detached from reality; I do feel extreme deja vu, but I don’t know what to do. It’s maddening the feeling that I will keep doing the same thing over and over again. I don’t know how to break the paradox.