Jun 05


It’s maddening; the idea that I am repeating this period of my life, and for how long? How long will I be reliving the moment? Everyone tells me it’s neurological and/or my Epilepsy, but it feels SO real! It feels so fantastically real but like there is no end. The never-ending paradox created how? Why? Why me? If it is just Epilepsy, how could it create the feeling so vividly? Are our minds so fascinatingly powerful that we can deceive ourselves into believing we have lived this very moment before? Are we able to create this world that is a sea of repeat at the toss of a hat? I feel like I did this a year ago, but I know it can’t be possible; not in the literal sense anyhow. Perhaps in the sense that I never see the end of this year or beginning of next. Maybe I cycle through. Maybe it’s my bargain with God.

I wanted to prove to someone that I really cared about them (because I did) so I bargained with God. I felt like last year was my last (yes, I am that lost and confused at times) and bargained for another just to be able to prove to that someone that someone could actually care about them just for being them. I didn’t get to do that; at least, I didn’t get as much time to do that as I would have expected. Does God call in his deal? What if I was wrong? What if I didn’t have one last year? My mind spirals into a thought process that includes multiple variations of the future; what if the bargain made no sense in the context? Of course it made no sense, right? I am a generally healthy person; I rarely get sick even. Yet I have written this post before (and even knowing that in my head, I feel compelled to write it still); I feel it to the core of my body that I have lived this moment of my life before. Am I doomed to repeat it over and over and what point is the breaking point of the paradox? What point must I do differently to prevent it from happening again? How do I relate that information to my future self?

I know I sound crazy; I feel crazy. I know it doesn’t make sense; I feel crazy. I’m not crazy though; I don’t want to be crazy. I do feel detached from reality; I do feel extreme deja vu, but I don’t know what to do. It’s maddening the feeling that I will keep doing the same thing over and over again. I don’t know how to break the paradox.

Jun 04

Deja Vu: Boo

More often than not lately, I have been having an extreme sense of deja vu. I feel like I have repeated the past few weeks; like I have been here before…done that. I don’t like the feeling of deja vu. It unsettles me; it makes me feel less real. I don’t like to feel so detached from reality. I did a Google search to find out how to stop deja vu or why I feel deja vu so strongly, and I did not find answers that satisfied my curiosity too well. Everyone wants to explain deja vu away as a feeling that people have but is not true. To me, deja vu makes more sense as a reality: why is it impossible that we may have experienced the same experiences before? Why is it so impossible that maybe we are repeating life in hopes to do something better the next time? The only problem I find is that the deja vu only occurs (as true to deja vu form) in the instance of the experience so how can we have any time to change something as it is happening? The deed is done, the feelings had, thoughts thought, and so forth; this is why I don’t like the feeling of deja vu. I’d rather go on in an oblivion as to whether or not I’m doing the same thing over and over doomed to repeat it. My life is not too horrible, but it feels awful to have a feeling that no matter what I do, I may be repeating it again.
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