But I’m Awesome

I think I’m pretty awesome. I am not as super talented as some of my friends and family, but I am a good friend, funny, kind, and pretty darn good at problem solving! I’m awesome in being myself. I am not cocky about who I am, and I don’t try to demean others to uplift myself more, but I am confident that who I am is enough to be a good friend, sister, and lover.

I went out with someone recently who asked me if I would be comfortable dating someone who still lived with their ex (as they did). I noted that I had lived with my ex before and therefor would not hold it against someone else who chose to do the same as I did; I figured it was for the same reason: the best financial option at the time. I couldn’t understand why it would be an issue so I started fishing for the ‘why‘; I asked if it was because I might get jealous (to which I quipped that I don’t get jealous unless someone gives me reason to be).

I’m comfortable in my own skin. I think I am awesome because I reflect on life and people so I can better understand where people are coming from. I reflect on why I do and say what I do so that I can better understand why people may do and say what they do. I try to relate. In relating, I think I can be more understanding. I don’t get jealous for the mere sake of jealousy. It’s not healthy, it’s pointless, and it doesn’t get anyone anywhere. It’s not worth my time, energy, or health to stress over things that may not be. Clearly, if you are flirting with someone in front of me, I have just cause to be jealous, but I still don’t take it to the level of being full on bitch. Let me know I’m still #1 and show me, and that is good enough for me. I do relish a little kissing up from time to time. =P

So naturally, I said I don’t get jealous, but I don’t do drama either. Ah, the famous “I don’t do drama” line! We’ve all heard it, may have said it even, but somehow, it always seems to find us. It’s never us, mind you, but we seem to get caught up in the middle of it. Yet, I truly try to avoid drama. I can get caught up in the beginning for the mere sake of trying to stop it before it starts, but once it starts, that’s when I’m finished. I will just as soon leave a room before I listen to nonsense that will do nothing more than waste my time and energy. I spent last year removing 3 perpetrators of drama from my life and this past year trying to reconcile my decision and move on. It is not always easy to remove people that you once deeply cared about from your life; for me, my closest friends are my family. I technically have no family, save the few who will still talk to me, and so when I let a friend get close to my heart, they become my family. Exes are just as hard because they are the ones we claim we will love forever, and then forever never comes. So you try to make things work because you don’t want to lose your family, but you are smarter than that; you know that if you listen to your intuition, that you will save yourself months or even years of putting off the inevitable: you have to let them go.

I am content in life right now. I have a job that pays my bills and then some. I have a car that I love. I have savings. I have good overall health. I have friends that I will always cherish. I am enjoying life more now than before. I dive into my head when I want to, but I’m not forced there anymore. I am not forced down the rabbit hole and into the abyss of helplessness; I am in control. In taking control, I have learned to let go of those who aim to add nothing but drama to my life. In taking control, I have learned that I quite enjoy positive energy and interaction more than pessimism. Despite my loneliness, I am content with being alone; I miss and crave intimate touch, but I love being in control of my world and my happiness. I do not do drama.

So my date seemed perplexed by my answer; “what if the person is really awesome?” they ask.

Doesn’t matter, I reply.

I contend that, up unto this point in my life, I have only been in love once. I have loved my exes, don’t get me wrong, but I was never truly in love with them. I have only been in love once. But I had to break ties with that love; I had to let them go. For my own betterment, they were one of the 3 perpetrators of drama (in fact, the perpetrator of the most drama, and the one who did it with the most malice and intent) that I had to remove from my life. It was a decision that was very hard for me for many reasons, and it took a couple of months to work through, but it was for the best; I am a happier person now than I was a year ago.

So I relay this fact: I have known awesome, and truly been in love once with that awesome because they were so awesome, but because of drama, I had to let them go. It did not matter to me just how awesome they were; drama does not have a place in my life.

But I’m pretty awesome.”

If rather than telling me that you too would like, nay, try to avoid drama, you tell me that you are ‘pretty awesome‘, chances are we are not going to work. I understand the concept of loving someone through their imperfections, but drama is not an imperfection; it’s a choice. If you choose to allow the drama, you are choosing not to be with me. I’m a hyper-sensitive being for the most part; to love me is to be humble enough to apologize and end the drama before it begins. To love me is to be a civilized adult. To love me is not to ask me to love you in spite of the drama because you are pretty awesome, but to show me how awesome you are in avoiding it altogether.

I am an imperfect human. I am self-conscious at times, but I still believe that I am pretty awesome. I’m awesome, and I don’t even have to tell you; you see it too. Despite my faults, I try. I try to be better than I am and better than you expect me to be. Despite my imperfections, I strive for perfection; when I fall short, I get back up and try again. To love me is to join me in that journey. I promise to love you in your awesomeness if you display that awesomeness and avoid drama too.

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