Every now and again, I like to read over past posts to see where my mind was and what I was thinking. In reading my Maddening post, I felt like I sounded a lot crazier than I was or even intended to sound. I realized then and still now that what I was writing sounded crazy and could technically be considered crazy (though the ‘psychotic’ connection we like to make with the word is our own making, and not Psychologically sound at all), but I am not clinically crazy/troubled/insane or anything along those lines. Stressed, yes. Burned out, yes. Anxious, yes. But crazy I am not. And not to say that I am trying to justify myself or clarify that I am not crazy when I actually am (as many mentally deficient people tend to do), but to say that I do have a clear knowledge of right and wrong and can control my actions accordingly. I may make decisions that in hindsight are volatile or the wrong decisions, but in the moment, even if my logic is flawed, I am still taking calculated risks. In the moments even, I know that I will regret some decisions later, but I truly have lived by the mantra that ‘you only live once’ and you should therefore try almost anything once and/or live with no regrets. While I do live with some regrets, I learn more and more that I need to do more and think less to avoid adding more regrets.

I think too much. This has always been my lot; whether it is a part of who I am or the ADHD that I have not quite managed to get under control, I cannot help but tangent into a myriad of thoughts and ideas. But I am not crazy. I make responsible decisions (most days), I pay my bills ahead of time (most bills), and I apologize for my shortcomings (most times). I am the same imperfect human that you are; I make mistakes. I should not be judged by mistakes more than my character. I have an old soul; I am loyal to a fault and would do (almost) anything in the name of what is right. I am quirky; I get extremely nervous around people I admire, respect, and find to be better than myself because I want to be in their world without messing their world up. That is, I do not want to appear crazy or lost; I am not lost, but I do require a little help navigating life sometimes! 😉

I am the same self-conscious, imperfect, and sometimes childish adult that many others are. I choose to manage those for the most part even; I do not appear as self-conscious as I am because I prefer a confident and optimistic outlook on life. I prefer to surround myself by like-minded individuals as well. I have never claimed perfection, but I also never use imperfection as a crutch; I know that I am not always right, and while it is sometimes harder to admit than others, I do admit my shortcomings. I may be more childish than many of my other adult friends, but when the time comes for being an adult, I show up on time. I am not even the perfect imperfect person; I know this because there is so much more I could be, but choose not to. I choose not to because I am just so tired of being lost.