Every now and again, I like to read over past posts to see where my mind was and what I was thinking. In reading my Maddening post, I felt like I sounded a lot crazier than I was or even intended to sound. I realized then and still now that what I was writing sounded crazy and could technically be considered crazy (though the ‘psychotic’ connection we like to make with the word is our own making, and not Psychologically sound at all), but I am not clinically crazy/troubled/insane or anything along those lines. Stressed, yes. Burned out, yes. Anxious, yes. But crazy I am not. And not to say that I am trying to justify myself or clarify that I am not crazy when I actually am (as many mentally deficient people tend to do), but to say that I do have a clear knowledge of right and wrong and can control my actions accordingly. I may make decisions that in hindsight are volatile or the wrong decisions, but in the moment, even if my logic is flawed, I am still taking calculated risks. In the moments even, I know that I will regret some decisions later, but I truly have lived by the mantra that ‘you only live once’ and you should therefore try almost anything once and/or live with no regrets. While I do live with some regrets, I learn more and more that I need to do more and think less to avoid adding more regrets.
In speaking of lies, I began to think about a lie we tell without knowing that it is a lie. The unconditional love lie.
Unconditional love should not exist to begin with except for the love between parent and child; and not even to the point of confusing forgiveness with turning a blind eye. Love is blind, but it shouldn’t always be. When you can’t love yourself, love should not be; THAT love should not be, and it certainly can’t be called ‘unconditional’.
I am fascinated with the human mind. Perhaps because I am constantly aware of many of my short-comings, but can never seem to overcome them. In my head, I know what needs to be done, I just don’t seem to follow through. Or I can’t stop myself. I can’t stop myself from investing in people despite no considerable gains. I can’t stop myself from being an asshole despite knowing that I am indeed an asshole [and therefor should not put myself in more positions to be one]. I can’t stop myself from having to have the truth out there despite knowing that I sound like a child. I can’t stop myself from sounding like a moron despite knowing I in fact sound like a moron. No BS; I sound so stupid sometimes that I just have to stop mid-stupidity just to stop from beating myself up mentally over sounding so stupid.