I saw an article a few weeks ago about a professional cuddler; the comments on the article went primarily in the direction of ‘prostitute’, but it is not until the past couple of days that I truly understand the ‘service’ she offers. I crave to be held–intimate touch, but not in the sense of being sexual. I want to be close to someone and feel comforted by their touch. I feel so anxious lately for no apparent reason; I find myself just craving to be held. I want to sit in someone’s arms. I want the old school make-out session: no sex required. I want an all-day-movie-thon curled up under the covers. Spoon. Touch. Feel.

I find myself craving a good kiss: not the peck or slobbery slip-n-slide, not the tongue thrashing or teeth clashing assault, and not the lip suction cup. You can’t just kiss anyone good, I’m convinced. At least, that is how it seems to me. I’ve kissed people and have felt nothing or felt like I am kissing my sister; it’s been just that boring or awkward. It’s not enough to want the kiss; you have to feel it. I can kiss anyone; I just can’t enjoy any one. I crave a kiss that is passionate, devouring, sensual, and just makes you want to be as close as possible without having to go all the way. It’s sexy.

I find myself craving a long cuddle session. A good cuddle session. Before or after a make out session? Independent of it altogether? It intrigues me a little that I don’t crave the sex. Not to say I don’t think about it or want it almost daily, it’s not what I crave. And I say ‘a little’ because I theorize that I can create my own release/relief for that, but I can’t cuddle myself. I can’t hug myself. I can’t kiss myself. Perhaps it’s intimacy I crave. But what kind of intimacy? It can’t be a real connection because I consider cuddling with anyone willing.

I want a relationship, but not at the expense of having to settle. I don’t want to settle just to satisfy a craving in the short term. So I release my thoughts in hopes to free them. Take the load off. Release.

I want to be touched.

Am I lame?

Lost?