Most of the times, the reason I want to be outside of existence is because it hurts too much to be in it. Most of the times, I am just that depressed. It sucks that that is how I am lately, but I am dealing with it best I can on my own. It’s the other times where it even is even more than just a thought.
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I wanted to die. Like really. The kind where if you had a gun, you would be dead. I used to think I had overcome that feeling. The true feeling I mean. I’d like to think everyone must wish they were dead at some point in their life…it’d make me feel a whole lot better if they thought about it at least once a week…
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Why do I love a good fantasy when Sci-fi was never my thing? I had never considered the ‘fantasy’ aspect of Sci-fi first of all, but maybe because anything can happen in a fantasy world.
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I have never hurt so much in my life. I feel so alone. Completely despite being less alone than ever. I feel alone. My heart is so heavy. I can’t stop from crying. Feel like dying. Want to die.
How am I self-centered? Someone please God tell me? I see strangers and want to help them/hope they have someone to help them, but I am self-centered? I make decisions with everyone else in mind, but I am self-centered? I can’t take a compliment if it’s not in jest, but I am self-centered? I hang on everyone else’s words, but I am self-centered?
I don’t get it. And hate that I never know how people really feel about me until it’s just the shittiest time for shit to come out. I mean, fuck, I feel like [know that] I lost my best friend and more than that, my whole.
And now my world is wrong. But it’s got to be. I can’t stop loving her so I gotta let her go.
But I’m self-centered….right?
[Note: Facetious ramblings in a saddened state…I am not self-centered nor am I seeking validation.]
Dying inside
Nowhere to hide
Escape from inner me?
Not even confused
‘Bout what I should do
But selfish I tend to be.
Want them so bad
Oh isn’t it sad
The things that I will do?
Cuz though it sounds sappy
They just make you happy
Even if their love is not you.
But when does it end
These feelings you fend
Your heart you try to deny?
Get lost in their being
Never believing
This love is ever a lie.
Why do they gel
And fit you so well
Like something out of a dream?
Maybe that love
Is not from above
And it’s time to change my team.
How is it so
I just want to know
That their soul is not mated to yours?
I’m stuck in a trance
Not given a chance
The truth my heart ignores.
Why does this destiny
Just seem to mess with me
When my feelings are so pure?
I’m trapped in my dreams
Falling it seems
The truth I tend to obscure.
Why can’t I just stop
My heart’s final flop
And open my eyes up to see?
But no attention I pay
To reality’s way
That says we’ll never be.
My problem is not that I am depressed with things I cannot have or things that will never be. It’s that I’m depressed with things that are. I don’t like where I am and I don’t like having regrets.
I regret leaving home, I regret not focusing more on my studies in school, I regret sacrificing for others, I regret missed opportunities, and I regret not acting on my feelings given the chance. I regret making my cousin lie when I was 12! I regret that I didn’t stop by my grandma’s room when I was allowed to go into my room and get some more of my things when I was in foster care. I regret secluding myself from one foster family that was really nice; though I loved being with them, they thought I didn’t want to be there and moved me again.
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Love somebody with all of your heart. Don’t just be in love with the idea of love. Get to know someone. Take your time. Tomorrow may not be guaranteed, but do you really want to waste years on lust or the love of love? The slower, the better. It’s such a grand adventure getting to know that special someone– getting to see new aspects of who they are and what they like. When you find yourself smiling just thinking about them, the idea of their touch makes your body melt, and you can be in the same room saying nothing at all and still have a good time, you may have found someone you can love with all your heart. Would you do anything short of denying yourself? Would you even have to deny yourself? Your love should just ‘fit’. Don’t play games. Life is indeed too short for that. Love whole-heartedly, intentionally, and with respect. Love somebody truly with all your heart.