If you have to lie to a friend, they cannot be much of a friend to begin with. Or not much of a friend to you. Not someone you would consider true friend. You don’t care much if you can lie to them.
You care even less when you allow the lies to settle. And fester. Grow. Hurt.
You care even less when your pride blinds you. A true friend knows humility. A best never has to be reminded of that fact.
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Most of the times, the reason I want to be outside of existence is because it hurts too much to be in it. Most of the times, I am just that depressed. It sucks that that is how I am lately, but I am dealing with it best I can on my own. It’s the other times where it even is even more than just a thought.
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So you have a friend, right. And they say they are your friend, have your back, love you, are there for you, and care.
And do they show it?
Consistently forget about you, consistently break their word to you, and consistently only think about themselves.
You give because you love and don’t know how to stop. Time, money, resources, energy, emotion…
Consistently they show they don’t care about you, but what you can give. Entertainment, distraction, support, silent in a lie…
You want to believe their words, but their actions never support them. How do you train your mind to believe things contrary to what it sees?
Why do they do it?
Why do you ache to your core because you have lost them?
Your own fault and doing; your own request.
What they wanted anyhow?
Why think of them.
You are an afterthought.
If they are so ‘bad’, why do you ‘care’?
I am bad. Does that mean they don’t ‘care’? I care because I love. I love because their bad doesn’t change their good.
I am imperfect. You are imperfect. They are imperfect. People are imperfect.
I am mean. You are mean. They are mean. People are mean.
I hurt. I make mistakes. I’m like everyone else. I don’t want to be like everyone else.
They lie. They care only about themselves and their own. They are like everyone else. They don’t care about you.
Everyone fails. Everyone is imperfect.
Why does it hurt if they are like everyone else?
And then I become everyone else. And no idea how to stop it.
But it is not just me. I am not the sole perpetrator in this nonsense. They do do as I have said. I just don’t know how to let the slights slide.
Perceived a fake, and a fake perhaps I am, but they give meaning to ‘the perfect drug’; and they are addicting. Their energy eases your soul. Friend.
I know a friend. I have had a friend. I have had friends. Drop everything for someone they haven’t seen in years to pick them up when they were stranded. Gave money. Time. Resources. A shoulder to cry on. Ear to bend. They never had to be reminded. Never had to be shown. They made you feel like family.
It’s an anomaly to me; why can’t I figure out the riddle?
The best of the best. None can compare; so why compare?
Dual personalities. One is your equal, the other looks down at you. One can speak openly to you for hours, the other thinks you are beyond ‘understanding’. One is honest, the other lies. Both are talented. Both are funny. Both comprise the best.
It’s the thought that counts. Just the thought. I can’t get it through to them.
I just want to be considered.