If you have to lie to a friend, they cannot be much of a friend to begin with. Or not much of a friend to you. Not someone you would consider true friend. You don’t care much if you can lie to them.
You care even less when you allow the lies to settle. And fester. Grow. Hurt.
You care even less when your pride blinds you. A true friend knows humility. A best never has to be reminded of that fact.
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I love to learn new things. I love to learn. I love to learn about myself. Or understand myself, really. I like being able to have answers to my questions.
The problem is, I don’t always trust myself either. I am still learning to do that. I am still learning what it means to trust myself and how. I am still learning how to be a healthy-minded adult. The problem is, I can convince myself of something if I keep at it long enough [as I am sure most of us can]. If something doesn’t add up, I have to make it fit. I know that that is a shortcoming of mine that I must overcome as well, but I figure I will do that by effect of learning to trust myself.
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What is the anatomy of a lie? What makes a lie, a lie?
Is it the intent? Is it the knowledge that the truth is the opposite? Is it the knowledge that it is not the truth? Is it knowledge?
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Most of the times, the reason I want to be outside of existence is because it hurts too much to be in it. Most of the times, I am just that depressed. It sucks that that is how I am lately, but I am dealing with it best I can on my own. It’s the other times where it even is even more than just a thought.
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I started the New Year reading. Meds help. I can read more easily, but what I really missed was the fact that I was losing my ability to ‘grasp’ anything anymore. It seems to be coming back. Meds help.
My childhood was not the best; it was not the worst, but it sucked more often than not.
I was an emotional wreck in High School and for a few years after High School because it hurt that I had to go back into Foster Care because the damn system couldn’t place me with a nice family to begin with. I felt robbed. Like no one cared to begin with, and they certainly didn’t care to fix their mistake.
This was true, of course, for both my adopted parents and the ‘system’ in my eyes.
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So you have a friend, right. And they say they are your friend, have your back, love you, are there for you, and care.
And do they show it?
Consistently forget about you, consistently break their word to you, and consistently only think about themselves.
You give because you love and don’t know how to stop. Time, money, resources, energy, emotion…
Consistently they show they don’t care about you, but what you can give. Entertainment, distraction, support, silent in a lie…
You want to believe their words, but their actions never support them. How do you train your mind to believe things contrary to what it sees?
Why do they do it?
Why do you ache to your core because you have lost them?
Your own fault and doing; your own request.
What they wanted anyhow?
Why think of them.
You are an afterthought.
If they are so ‘bad’, why do you ‘care’?
I am bad. Does that mean they don’t ‘care’? I care because I love. I love because their bad doesn’t change their good.
I am imperfect. You are imperfect. They are imperfect. People are imperfect.
I am mean. You are mean. They are mean. People are mean.
I hurt. I make mistakes. I’m like everyone else. I don’t want to be like everyone else.
They lie. They care only about themselves and their own. They are like everyone else. They don’t care about you.
Everyone fails. Everyone is imperfect.
Why does it hurt if they are like everyone else?
And then I become everyone else. And no idea how to stop it.
But it is not just me. I am not the sole perpetrator in this nonsense. They do do as I have said. I just don’t know how to let the slights slide.
Perceived a fake, and a fake perhaps I am, but they give meaning to ‘the perfect drug’; and they are addicting. Their energy eases your soul. Friend.
I know a friend. I have had a friend. I have had friends. Drop everything for someone they haven’t seen in years to pick them up when they were stranded. Gave money. Time. Resources. A shoulder to cry on. Ear to bend. They never had to be reminded. Never had to be shown. They made you feel like family.
It’s an anomaly to me; why can’t I figure out the riddle?
The best of the best. None can compare; so why compare?
Dual personalities. One is your equal, the other looks down at you. One can speak openly to you for hours, the other thinks you are beyond ‘understanding’. One is honest, the other lies. Both are talented. Both are funny. Both comprise the best.
It’s the thought that counts. Just the thought. I can’t get it through to them.
I just want to be considered.
I find it hilarious that people can call you names, but cannot bring you down with logic or actual facts; that they have to resort to name calling is a clear indicator that they don’t have shit. It is only hilarious to me because they actually think they have made a jab at you; they actually think it means something. But yet if you ask for back-up, there is none to be found; yet they want every evidence you have against them if you say anything against them. It’s hilarious to me that this is humanity.
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