Dec 04

Reason

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**Note: This will jump around. I can’t spit this word vomit out in any other way that makes sense right now because I can’t make sense of it in my head. I can’t make sense of it so I must write it out as I think it. Perhaps I will come back to it and modify it to a better flow, but for now, pure word vomit is all I can offer.**

More than once recently I have heard it said that “everything happens for a reason.” I’m still not sure where I stand on the issue. In discussing the idea of “free will vs fate/determinism”, I have run into this concept before.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around what I think because it always seems to create a paradox in my mind. I run in circles right back to start. I can reconcile that we are the effects of a first cause, but not that our effects are with an effectual purpose/reason.
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Dec 03

Knew Me

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I will be 31 years old in a few months. This does not depress me at all. I am not one of those women who thinks age is a hindrance or a representative of what I should have been or could be doing. I am not one of those women who thinks XYZ should be happening or already happened. Rather, I am still in awe in how I am ever-changing; I do not settle. I know that I can be better than myself.

Over the years, many have misjudged me; they have assumed they know me or that they know who I am. Reading this blog, one could assume I am a depressed, lost soul. One could assume I am a lovesick puppy who pines over lost love. One could assume that I live in a fantasy world because I prefer it to reality. One could assume I’m a recluse. Solitary. Abandoned. Continue reading →

Dec 01

Incomplete

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Melancholy-quite the folly,
Your sordid sense of love.
Meant to be–couldn’t be,
Sent from God above.

All distraught must be caught–
The feel I know too well.
Can’t believe they all deceive;
The lies they try to tell.

Begin again, another sin
To love the way we do.
It isn’t fair, I couldn’t care
For someone not called you.

Nov 30

Love at First

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Who falls in love at first sight? You can’t do that, I’ve always said; love at first convo, certainly, but love at first sight…hardly. But then there is my most favorite quote ever from a movie that is quite hilarious to me [love some British accents and the comedy is very well executed, lol] that really touches to home:

I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes… Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole.

-Luce from the movie Imagine Me & You

What I like about this quote so much is that it makes sense! It validates love at first sight for me.

I love getting to know someone I feel a connection with and think could be the one. I love finding that with every new thing I learn about them, they prove to be even more wonderful than I first thought. Nobody’s perfect, but I crave the perfect imperfection that is finding joy and love in their imperfections–the imperfections that make them so unique and that much more lovable. I love falling into love.

Love at first sight may not be such an anomaly; perhaps I just haven’t been right.

Nov 29

The Five Love Languages

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The five love languages as discussed by author Gary Chapman include: words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving, physical touch, and quality time. Intended as a marriage counseling aide, the initial book is related more to how to show your spouse you love them in a way that will speak to them, but the five love languages can be applied to how we show and receive love in general.

Words of Affirmation

Probably my least favorite love language to be spoken to with and second to last to use, words of affirmation are the praises or compliments you give to your spouse or loved one. They are the positive feedback you direct towards them alone. My problems with words, despite my love of manipulating the English language, is that words are easy to give and can be very hollow. I can find any word in a dictionary, but I’d be hard-pressed to find someone who would curl up on the couch and rub my shoulders or do the dishes after I cook a meal. Words can be given to anyone at a rapid rate, but gifts must be carefully chosen and given with less of a tempo. Words have multiple meanings and can be misunderstood. I love to hear that I am loved, that I am the amazing woman that I am, and that I make someone happy, but words without action annoy me more than anything. Continue reading →

Nov 18

Setting the Record Straight

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Every now and again, I like to read over past posts to see where my mind was and what I was thinking. In reading my Maddening post, I felt like I sounded a lot crazier than I was or even intended to sound. I realized then and still now that what I was writing sounded crazy and could technically be considered crazy (though the ‘psychotic’ connection we like to make with the word is our own making, and not Psychologically sound at all), but I am not clinically crazy/troubled/insane or anything along those lines. Stressed, yes. Burned out, yes. Anxious, yes. But crazy I am not. And not to say that I am trying to justify myself or clarify that I am not crazy when I actually am (as many mentally deficient people tend to do), but to say that I do have a clear knowledge of right and wrong and can control my actions accordingly. I may make decisions that in hindsight are volatile or the wrong decisions, but in the moment, even if my logic is flawed, I am still taking calculated risks. In the moments even, I know that I will regret some decisions later, but I truly have lived by the mantra that ‘you only live once’ and you should therefore try almost anything once and/or live with no regrets. While I do live with some regrets, I learn more and more that I need to do more and think less to avoid adding more regrets.

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