I love to learn new things. I love to learn. I love to learn about myself. Or understand myself, really. I like being able to have answers to my questions.

The problem is, I don’t always trust myself either. I am still learning to do that. I am still learning what it means to trust myself and how. I am still learning how to be a healthy-minded adult. The problem is, I can convince myself of something if I keep at it long enough [as I am sure most of us can]. If something doesn’t add up, I have to make it fit. I know that that is a shortcoming of mine that I must overcome as well, but I figure I will do that by effect of learning to trust myself.

I have never believed in love at first sight because I take the idea literally; to literally fall in love at first sight has always seemed illogical.

But I have always been a hopeless romantic. It is not something that is easy to change or something that I much want to change right now. I don’t believe in love at first sight initially. Maybe you know that it is love right then, but to be sure, you wait and see. And everything you see just supports that first notion. I guess technically it is love at first sight, but to say it at first sight, I just can’t. I can’t know without a doubt that it is love without knowing the person. I cannot love a person that I don’t know; not really.

I have known that love; I have known the love that is love at first sight, but you don’t know it until you can’t deny it.

But I did try to deny it. Moreso because it could never be, but also because I just thought that because it could never be, I must be mistaken in my feelings. I convinced myself for about a month or two that I didn’t feel what I felt. I convinced myself that it was merely physical. I was content with my conclusion.

Until I wasn’t.

I didn’t feel right with my conclusion to begin with; after I had given it ‘voice’ even, I felt wrong. I felt like what I was saying was not exactly right. But it had taken awhile to get to that conclusion and it was the conclusion I wanted. But I only wanted that conclusion because it was the best for all involved; not because it was the truth I wanted.

I immediately battled with myself. For weeks into months even, but finally faced that fact that, yes, I was in love, but no, I didn’t need to act on it at all. I have been misguided in my thinking that truth must be acted upon, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes the truth is just freeing. Sometimes it is just calming. Sometimes just a reminder that something can be.

So I tried harder to separate the truth from reality. I did well I might add. Not the best, surely, but well. I tried.

But it didn’t change the truth of reality that it didn’t even matter either way; you cannot surround yourself by people who mean to just use you. When you are made to feel less than who you are, they are not good for you. I know this very well; I do my best to allow people to redeem themselves, but there is a point that is reached when redemption is just not gonna happen. And that is the point where you must care about yourself enough to seek out better. Care about yourself enough to find true happiness.

I speak so much about the truth because it is something I truly care about. I truly care about making a difference. A positive difference. I truly care about being genuine.

And that is what I intend to do.