What is the anatomy of a lie? What makes a lie, a lie?

Is it the intent? Is it the knowledge that the truth is the opposite? Is it the knowledge that it is not the truth? Is it knowledge?

See because, if it is the intent, it is not always about harming the ones we love, but rather protecting them. But intent does not make a lie; it only justifies it. Whether we mean to harm the ones we love or not, the fact of the lie still remains. The intent always seems to attempt to justify the lie, but really just further validates the truth and makes the truth that much more regrettable. Or that much more potent. That much more powerful. That much more truth.

People are scared of the truth more often than not. The truth can make them change. We don’t like change. People are inherently against change; it is those who embrace change that can be truly happy. They are the true adventurers, founders, and pioneers. Those who realize that change is indeed good and necessary are those who live happier, more fulfilling lives. Not to say that if you never do anything different from this point on in your life that you are not happy or fulfilled; but do you not have dreams [obtainable dreams even] of doing or seeing more? It is not wrong to dream; it is not wrong to want for more than you have. The error comes in how you live with those dreams. Do they consume you to the point of inaction? Do they consume you to the point of losing reality? Or losing today? Tomorrow is not promised, today is a gift [more aptly called the ‘present’] so why let it go to waste on pipe dreams? You can live a happy life without having to change once you have reached a point in your life where you don’t need to change, but when is that point?

And hence the face of change that we try to avoid: do we embrace it and live life to the fullest or accept that that is not a part of our true reality and change our dreams?

Not that dreaming is bad; we should all be so lucky to be able to work out our subconscious in our dreams or escape reality for awhile, but when our dreams consume us to the point of losing reality and what we can obtain, we forget that we can be truly happy. True in the sense that we do not have to lie. True in the sense that we can smile without fear of provocation. Truly happy means we don’t have to lie to ourselves.

We lie to ourselves to motivate us; we lie to maintain whatever shred of happiness we have come to accept as happiness. When we lie to ourselves, our intent is usually good despite the harm it does. But intentions don’t make the man; it’s what we do with those intentions that shape us. Do we continue to harm ourselves with our lies or do we accept that we can change and be better for it?

We lie to others because we lie to ourselves. We lie because we are scared. We lie because we don’t want to face the truth. We lie because we are selfish. We lie because we do not care about you. We lie so we can survive; casualties of that lie are secondary.

We lie because we have been taught to do so.

Whether we learn that the truth hurts and hurts a lot or that survival is dependent on lying, we learn that lying is the way to happiness. Whether is a conscious or subconscious realization, we learn to lie.

But just as we learned to lie, we can learn to tell the truth. We can change. We can be better than we were. We can find solace in truth and living an honest life. We can find comfort in trusting others with our burdens that we call truth. We can find comfort in trust and being trusted. We can be better than we are supposed to be.

Man is supposed to be corrupt and selfish. We are supposed to take care of our own and our own alone. This is what our nature tells us. It tells us this even more when we are raised by savages.

When we are trained by the people who are supposed to love us the most that we need to lie in order to maintain that love, we are given a poor start to life. When we are conditioned to lie in order to survive or avoid conflict or pain, it can be hard to change. It can be hard to learn something new just as learning may not always be the easiest thing for us.

Why does the fact that it may or very well will be hard affect us so? Why does everything have to be easy? Why does it have to be easy for us to consider it? Why does it being hard mean it should never be done? Why does change evoke fear rather than motivate us to do and be better?

For some, it does not. For some, change is something we relish because it means a new chapter, a new beginning, a new slate, a new anything we need to be happy before we die. Some wait til the end of their time, and others know from the beginning; those who embrace change are those who live before they die.

But is knowing the reason we lie enough? Is knowing that we can change to be tellers of truth enough? Is knowing that lying is wrong enough? Is knowing that we were taught to lie and that we can be taught to not lie enough?

Knowledge is never enough. Knowledge only gives us insight; it only shows us what is or what could be. A lie is a lie despite the knowledge; we as the bearers of the lie know the truth and therefor that the lie is a lie and is still a lie, but those we lie to must discern the truth or the lie. What I mean is, they may accept the lie as truth, but from there on, when the truth is actually presented, they have to determine which is actually the truth and which is actually the lie.

Why put that burden on someone you claim to love? Why burden yourself so? See because now you have a lie that you must remember as truth and have to remember not only who you told the lie to, but other lies you told or must tell to support the lie you already told. Now you have the burden of being a liar and forcing your loved ones to question you. Now you have the burden of being second-guessed. Now you have the burden of change.

Just because you know that the truth is actually different than the lie you present, does not make the lie any less of a lie or the truth any less true. Exposing the lie with such finality that only the liar themselves can present does not make the lie any less harmful or the liar any less of a liar. Just because you finally decide to tell the truth, does not mean that you are granted the same liberties as before. You must earn your loved ones’ trust back. You must show that you have changed. You must prove that you care enough to be humble enough to tell the truth.

And what does humility have to do with truth? That’s simple enough: in order to deny your natural instinct to be selfish, you must overcome yourself…your ego. Pride can be our finest quality or our biggest pitfall; knowing when to stand in pride or bend in humility can mean the difference between friend and foe. To kneel in reverence is to acknowledge that being revered as worthy of that reverence. In the same sense, being able to humble ones’ self for another is to show that person that they are worth the humility.

The problem is that you don’t want them to abuse that humility; you don’t want to be stabbed in the back as you kneel.

You ultimately want to protect yourself, and rightfully so, but then you are not trusting yourself.

So the core of the problem is that you need to learn how to trust yourself. Yes, it does go back to the fact that you were taught not to trust yourself (anytime you believed you were bad despite your core telling you you were good because your parents taught you that you were despite what you told yourself), but that it also leads to the same conclusion that you can learn a new way. You can learn to trust yourself. Just as you can learn whatever you want to learn by simply seeking out the knowledge and, if necessary, acting on that knowledge, you can learn to trust yourself.

How? Leap of faith at first.

It sounds a bit contradictory, I do believe, but no matter what ‘truth’ I tell you, it is still only the truth as I know it. So no matter what I say, you still have to ultimately make the first move which will only start one of two ways: #1. you trust yourself, but since you have already shown that you do not, #2. a leap of faith.

If in knowing that you have not trusted yourself in the past, but want, and perhaps even believe you are able to, you still do not completely trust yourself because you still second guess your decision to do so. In second-guessing what the person you decide to entrust with your trust will do with that trust, you second-guess your initial analysis of the one being trusted as trustworthy enough to do so; in essence: you still do not trust yourself and need to take a leap of faith.

The harsh reality of life is that some people will indeed use and abuse that trust. The harsh reality is they may not at first, but can turn against you later. The harsh reality is that you will never truly know, but you have to trust that you do in fact know better. See because the actual reality is that there are also those that will honor and respect your trust. The actual reality is that there are some that will never abuse it. The harsh actual reality is that until you can teach yourself that you can trust yourself, you will always need to take a leap of faith.

It doesn’t happen over night; to expect it to do so is to expect failure. Setting yourself up to fail is to sabotage yourself further; why do that? If you want positive, you have to think positive. You have to embody what you desire from others; after all, expecting more than you can give yourself could make for a one-sided relationship and put undue burden on someone you actually care about. You could give the impression of using them.

The actual reality is that we do indeed need to use others in some fashion in order to survive and/or be happy, the problem is that it is supposed to be based on reciprocity: I give something you need and you return to me something I need. It is not reciprocity in the sense that every give needs to be returned, but in the sense that the balance should not be one-sided at all times. You can’t always give without getting in return and you can’t always take without giving in return. You set yourself up to fail again because the one being used notices eventually, and if they are of a healthy mindset, will sever the ties for the sake of their own survival and happiness. Not because they are selfish, mind you, but because in order to lead a healthy, fulfilling life, they need people that will help them, not hinder them. You hinder the ones you love when you use them to the point of making them your crutch; by making them your crutch, you lean on them all the time and therefor put an extra burden on them to which the only relief is to sever ties. See because crutches are something you use all the time or not at all; the constant push and pull or the constant reliance on the crutch can put a lot of pressure on the crutch. Without you to lighten their load or do your part so that you instead lean on each other rather than depend on one over the other to stay standing, the crutch continues to feel used until they can bear it no more. When they finally break underneath you and sever those ties, perhaps you learn, but most do not. Not at first at least. Many have to break many crutches before they learn. Some never learn. Some never care to. Others just don’t know there is a lesson to be learned at all.

The truth of the matter is a lie is a lie no matter if one person knows it or the whole world knows it. Knowledge does not make the lie a lie; the fact of the matter that the lie is contrary to the truth [by definition, a lie] is what makes it a lie. Coming clean doesn’t make it any less of a lie, and the consequences may indeed be worse than telling the truth, but only because you told the lie to begin with.

See because the truth can be dealt with; you can change or not change accordingly and you may lose someone you care about, but if they truly cared about you, they would never put you in the position to where you have to question it or regret telling the truth. You may regret it because you hurt them or [because of that hurt] they lash out at you, but if you truly care about each other, you will work through it. The good person is not the person who turns the blind eye, but rather the person who can still love through the hurt; to show yourself humble even in the pain is to show yourself true. As with everything in life, it is a measure of give and take and doses; and you can’t translate humility into turning a blind eye. Being humble through the pain is to say, ‘I know you fucked up, but I am willing to work through this with you; I will need your help to do so, but I want to’ or on the flip-side ‘I fucked up, here is the truth, here is my fear, I want us to be right again; how do we work on that?’

See because humility is not just about the truth-teller; you need to be humble to tell the truth at times, sure, but the person accepting the truth also must be humble. Whether the truth is meant to humble them or is damaging, the humility it takes to actually be humbled or to continue to be a friend despite the damage is just as great. That you can swallow your pride and see that the imperfect nature of man is just as prevalent in your loved one as it is in you, is to say that they are worth the effort. Anyone worth the effort should be willing to reciprocate that without being coerced. If you have to coerce, you are both living an agreed upon lie.

Ideally, you want relationships that reciprocate your efforts. They reciprocate your humility. They reciprocate your trust. They reciprocate your kindness. They reciprocate because they want to, not because they have to. They reciprocate without order to do so. They have considered you to the point of wanting to show you. It is that type of relationship that is the ideal relationship no matter if it is that of parent-child, sibling-sibling, spouse-spouse, significant other-significant-other, or friend-friend, etc; most desire the reciprocity that is found in a healthy relationship.

Why does the ideal have to be so unbelievable or unobtainable? I have had quite a few of them; many friends who will remain friends for life because of these qualities and many that I just lost in contact with because of the distances between us. The for-lifers know that I still care and love them, and are not offended if I don’t speak with them for some time. They are the ones that will always be my friends no matter what; the trouble for me has been in finding those qualities in more friends local to me. I have found them in a few, but I would rather find them in more.

The anatomy of a lie is multi-faceted and the impact of the lie is just as complex, but the reality of truth is that we should not need to lie to survive. We should strive to live true. Ideal doesn’t have to be a fantasy.