I find it hilarious that people can call you names, but cannot bring you down with logic or actual facts; that they have to resort to name calling is a clear indicator that they don’t have shit. It is only hilarious to me because they actually think they have made a jab at you; they actually think it means something. But yet if you ask for back-up, there is none to be found; yet they want every evidence you have against them if you say anything against them. It’s hilarious to me that this is humanity.

Maybe ‘hilarious’ is not the right word; perhaps ‘funny’, but in an uncanny sort of way. We are humanity. And we like to hurt our own. We are the only species that does it for sport. And it’s not just a physical hurt; it’s almost like we have this inherent desire to emotionally hurt our own as well. I don’t get it.

Counterfeit agents who battle counterfeit are trained to study the true currency or paper or whatever it is they are trying to negate [counterfeit-wise of course]; they know what an actual XYZ looks like or how it is supposed to act or react or anything and everything that makes XYZ XYZ. They are so exposed to what is, that when they see what is not, they can spot it right away; or quicker than the average untrained man. They can spot a fake because they know the truth.

But when you are surrounded by BS, how do you spot the truth? How do you know what is.

I am who I am and I have never been more or less; I have always contended I am just Jen. That people want to put words in my mouth, thoughts in my head, ideas in my mind, or anything that is not me, is annoying. You don’t know me. You don’t care to. You don’t ask. So why the fuck would I tell? Why the fuck would you assume you know shit about me when you don’t? Why?

I know a lot of the whys of what I do and how I am because I actually care to know; I care to think about it and better myself if needbe. I care to know the truth, and I care to remedy it if I can. I care. Why?

I tell the truth [as I see it], I am loyal to a fault, I genuinely care about people and animals and just ‘right’, and I will humble myself to the point of apology if I am truly wrong. I am human. Imperfect as the rest. But I TRY.

It never ceases to amaze me that while others have difficulty expressing what they have in their head, they fully expect you to be able to. If you can’t, then you are playing games. If you can’t, you must not really feel or see or know what you say you feel, see, or know. Hypocrites. Why?

I do my best not to ask anything of anyone that I would not be able to do myself; I try to hold the same standards for others that I have for myself. I am not above anyone, but neither am I below them; I’d hope to be their equal. We are all of the same species after all. I may call someone stupid, but I call myself that as well; far worse at times even. I may expect the truth, but I give it. I may expect people to have a good work ethic, but so do I have one. I may expect people to prove their words with their actions, but I do everything I can to do the same. Anything I expect from others, I expect more from myself. I am my hardest critic and can only accept compliments that are proven facts, not opinions; anything that can be backed up, not felt. It’s only as I write that that I realize that; before, I knew I couldn’t accept a compliment, but I never understood why. I thought it was just that I couldn’t handle it–didn’t actually know what actually to do with it [do you say ‘thanks’ or ‘you too’…thanks just seems so wrong…=/]–but when I get on a stream of consciousness it’s really that I just don’t believe the compliment. I don’t believe it without seeing evidence.

Yet I believe in God.

But I believe He’s made Himself known to me. I’ve never seen Him, but He’s moved in my life.

Yet I still question God.

Because I don’t have that seeing evidence.

Freud’s idea of free association and the talking cure is the basic premise of ‘Word Vomit’; I say anything and everything as it comes in an attempt to make sense of it. Sometimes I make some sense. Others, I’m even more lost. But perhaps others think like I do and can offer insight…