I could be a conspiracy theorist. I think too much. I analyze too much. And I could convince an Eskimo that he not only needs a refrigerator, but a deep freezer to go with it. I can believe. I can make others believe.

No, I’m not saying I have any power over anyone. Other than the power of manipulation. Not manipulation in the ill sense of the word; just in the sense that if I want you to believe my point or in the very least leave thinking I may be right, I can.

I’m scared of my mind. I’m scared of what I am capable of because I’m still young, but my thoughts are progressively scattered. I don’t want to be lost to my mind. I don’t want to have it take me captive. But I fear it will.

I’ve been sick for now over a week and it is as if there are no signs of recovery. I feel like I’m half in this world already. One foot in and the other foot out, but not really like bordering death…just bordering ’something’. I’m not that sick–not like deathly sick–just not all here. I don’t feel here.

When I was a kid, I would have what I used to call a ‘realization of self’ moment every once in a while to where I would feel almost out of body–-like I was looking through my body, but it was not really my body. Like I was in this costume that is me. I would look at my hands so intently, tug on this skin that was my cover, and try to convince myself that I’m really here even though I felt like I was not.

I’m having more and more of those types of feelings lately.

And it scares me.

I fear I’m losing my mind. I fear I will not be able to control it. I fear no one can.

I need to write these thoughts out. I need to. I have to make heads or tails of them. Or at least just get them out of my head.

And that’s only the beginning…

I very much believe in God. God. Not the God of any man’s religion, but God the Creator. God the Father. GOD!!! I can’t even put into words how great of a matter this is to me. I believe in God. I believe.

So then I lose my mind. I feel like I’m in battle with evil. That something big and bad is going to happen and I of all people will be in the midst of it. No, not destructive on my part. No attacks or wrongdoings on my end at all actually. Just that I’ll be in the battle.

And sometimes I wonder which side I’ll be on.

I question myself. Not my God.

But I question God in this: why? Why me? Why no answers? Why not show yourself as you did in the Old Testament?

And then I’m reminded that we just cannot bottle up God. We cannot constrain Him to man’s ideas of what ‘is’. His very Word tells us that we should not question Him, but that we just will not be able to understand anyhow.

I know that huge feeling of not being able to understand.

Every time I speak with God, He answers me. It gives me new questions, but He still answers. Call it what you want. Accuse me of wanting to justify a God presence, but it is true. And one thing you can never do is convince me otherwise. God answers.

I pray to God more now, but still not as much as I used to. I pray for protection through the night. I pray for strength against forces I do not know. I pray for Heaven.

My mind can believe the conspiracies it conspires and that scares me. I have to manually tell it that they are not true. I have to manually tell myself that I am no one of any sort of significant influence to where the forces of Good and Evil would need me for either side. Not to say God’s Army is only comprised of significant beings, but just to say, I don’t feel like I’m a real soldier yet. And I’m not sure I will be.

I feel fake. I feel like my faith is not real. Not real enough to bring others in at least.

No, it’s not the Devil at work. Stop you simpletons. It is not as clear as you may want it to be! Stop giving pre believers these damn Sunday school answers! You will not lead people to Christ with those rehearsed lines. Because they are not real. They are not true to you. They have no depth. No meaning. No feeling.

I simply feel fake because while I love God, praise God, and call on God, I still voluntarily sin. And before you OTHER simpletons come at me with the bullshit talk about religion and sin and God and how I shouldn’t feel guilty because that is just “bad religion”, it’s not that either!

Stop the games Christians, Atheists, Agnostics, and Others. Stop just trying to jab at each other and break the other down. Sit down and think. Sit down and mull over just God. Not religion. Not theists or dissenters. Sit down and think about You and God. Contemplate the world. Contemplate creation. Play your word games and manipulation somewhere else.

I’m tired of Christians spitting recycled lines and of everyone else just trying to get a rise. For what? Do you really have nothing better to do in your life than to poke at something you claim not to care about? If you supposedly do not believe in the Creator, why are you so hell bent on getting someone to convince you otherwise? Don’t give me that you just want to convince the Christian that God does not exist; you are better off spending your time having fun, making money, or sleeping. But you get a rise out of controversy and you just want to laugh at the little baby Christians spit their rehearsed garble at you.

Baby Christian, stop damning the dissenter to hell. We are ALL damned to hell. Just because you are fortunate enough to have a hall pass out, does not mean you have been therefor given the golden key to the city! We are ALL sinners. God loves us ALL. Who are you to say otherwise? I’m so sick of this “I’ll pray for you” or “get behind me Satan” mumbo jumbo. Instead of saying that which you know is just going to give a chuckle to the dissenter or make him even more engaged and mad, why not try and talk with them. Befriend them. You know; be a true Christian and eat with the heathens as Jesus did.

I’m not finished. I have barely even begun. No longer will I hide. No longer will I hold my tongue. I’m tired of concealing myself so that others can feel comfortable. I’m tired of being quiet so that no one will think I’m disturbed. I’m tired of being fake.