Category Archives: Musings

Oct 22

Hurts So Bad

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I have never hurt so much in my life. I feel so alone. Completely despite being less alone than ever. I feel alone. My heart is so heavy. I can’t stop from crying. Feel like dying. Want to die.

How am I self-centered? Someone please God tell me? I see strangers and want to help them/hope they have someone to help them, but I am self-centered? I make decisions with everyone else in mind, but I am self-centered? I can’t take a compliment if it’s not in jest, but I am self-centered? I hang on everyone else’s words, but I am self-centered?

I don’t get it. And hate that I never know how people really feel about me until it’s just the shittiest time for shit to come out. I mean, fuck, I feel like [know that] I lost my best friend and more than that, my whole.

And now my world is wrong. But it’s got to be. I can’t stop loving her so I gotta let her go.

But I’m self-centered….right?

 

[Note: Facetious ramblings in a saddened state…I am not self-centered nor am I seeking validation.]

Oct 05

Not Lost, But Not Found

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My problem is not that I am depressed with things I cannot have or things that will never be. It’s that I’m depressed with things that are. I don’t like where I am and I don’t like having regrets.

I regret leaving home, I regret not focusing more on my studies in school, I regret sacrificing for others, I regret missed opportunities, and I regret not acting on my feelings given the chance. I regret making my cousin lie when I was 12! I regret that I didn’t stop by my grandma’s room when I was allowed to go into my room and get some more of my things when I was in foster care. I regret secluding myself from one foster family that was really nice; though I loved being with them, they thought I didn’t want to be there and moved me again.
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Sep 28

Lost Love

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Why is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved before? I don’t get it. I quite like the idea of not having loved someone; makes for less heartache, less stress, and less emotional roller-coasters. Talk about bi-polar!

I would rather be ignorant, yes. I wish I did not know the truth about God. I wish I never fell madly in love. And I wish I were just someone who used people because then at least I wouldn’t regret missing out on a kiss. Continue reading →

Sep 21

aMUSEment

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I can be amused by a many of things; sometimes it doesn’t take much, sometimes I’m just not amused. I amuse myself, I amuse my friends, and I amuse my clients, but sometimes, I am not amused. I am not easily amused if I don’t like you, but sometimes I am, even if I don’t like you. I enjoy amusement.

I can’t tell anymore if I am amused to distract myself from my life or if I am actually amused. I question myself and what I feel anymore. I question who I am, and what my reality is; reality in the sense of the who that I am, not in like the world we share. My ‘truth’ about myself I guess I should say. I sometimes find myself questioning who I am and where I’m going.
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Sep 04

Definition of a Hopeless Romantic

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Hopeless Romantic

[as found on Connecting Singles]:

Hopeless Romantic:

1: A person who daydreams about romantic occasions and dreams of chances where he/she will be able to perform a romantic act to their love, yet never gets the chance to.

2: This person is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. They’re not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that’s not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative, and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.

3. A hopeless romantic is not the same as a hopeless flirter. A hopeless romantic dreams of who they will spend the rest of their life with and what the two of them will do together. They want to be romanced with sweet simple things and the thoughtful amazing surprises. They dream of being loved but also loving somebody. They don’t just want somebody to hold them, they also want to hold someone. They realize that love isn’t just about one person but both people, they are hopelessly in love with being loved AND loving back.

4. Someone that thinks of love passionately.

5. A hopeless romantic is one who looks for the a singular person on this world that makes their world come together. They are indeed looking for the man or woman of their dreams. As a result, they prefer not to live in reality. The hopeless romantic knows the reality of love is that reality has no business being in love. This is why they will often perform grandiose gestures that may be seen as unsettling or borderline crazy to non-romantics. But to the fellow few romantics, these same gestures will be adored as beautifully and obscenely quixotic. And such is the “hope” of the hopeless romantic- to not only find the one who loves receiving such love, but loves giving such love. And the true hopeless romantic would always rather give than receive. Because they know then and only then, will there be true love.

…I guess I am more of a hopeless romantic than I thought…the epitome actually…

Sep 01

Mommy Dearest

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I was adopted a little before my third birthday. I know it to be true, but remember it more because my foster mom had given me a birthday gift before I left and wished me happy birthday before I went to live with my new family.

My sister and I were adopted together. The way my adopted mom tells it, we took a little to adjust; we wouldn’t eat much for two weeks, but finally one night we had fried chicken and I supposedly told my sister ‘let’s eat’ and so we did. My sister and I were like best friends growing up; sure, we fought and maybe more than other good sisters did, but we had each others’ back and we confided in each other. Home videos show my sister copying me, us having fun, and memories are great when thinking of my sister and other sister that we later adopted with us [totally cool to get another sister our age to play with!].
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