Most of the times, the reason I want to be outside of existence is because it hurts too much to be in it. Most of the times, I am just that depressed. It sucks that that is how I am lately, but I am dealing with it best I can on my own. It’s the other times where it even is even more than just a thought.
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I started the New Year reading. Meds help. I can read more easily, but what I really missed was the fact that I was losing my ability to ‘grasp’ anything anymore. It seems to be coming back. Meds help.
My childhood was not the best; it was not the worst, but it sucked more often than not.
I was an emotional wreck in High School and for a few years after High School because it hurt that I had to go back into Foster Care because the damn system couldn’t place me with a nice family to begin with. I felt robbed. Like no one cared to begin with, and they certainly didn’t care to fix their mistake.
This was true, of course, for both my adopted parents and the ‘system’ in my eyes.
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Sometimes when I am arguing with someone, I will get so caught up in my argument or theirs that I miss the ‘big’ picture. I fall down the rabbit hole time and time again without fail. It’s like a reflex; you can’t fight it.
Sometimes I want to be in the rabbit hole [but most times, not really]; but I don’t want people I care about going in with me. The rabbit hole is fine to foes, but friends deserve better. It sucks that to think that way anymore though is misconstrued more often than not.
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So you have a friend, right. And they say they are your friend, have your back, love you, are there for you, and care.
And do they show it?
Consistently forget about you, consistently break their word to you, and consistently only think about themselves.
You give because you love and don’t know how to stop. Time, money, resources, energy, emotion…
Consistently they show they don’t care about you, but what you can give. Entertainment, distraction, support, silent in a lie…
You want to believe their words, but their actions never support them. How do you train your mind to believe things contrary to what it sees?
Why do they do it?
Why do you ache to your core because you have lost them?
Your own fault and doing; your own request.
What they wanted anyhow?
Why think of them.
You are an afterthought.
If they are so ‘bad’, why do you ‘care’?
I am bad. Does that mean they don’t ‘care’? I care because I love. I love because their bad doesn’t change their good.
I am imperfect. You are imperfect. They are imperfect. People are imperfect.
I am mean. You are mean. They are mean. People are mean.
I hurt. I make mistakes. I’m like everyone else. I don’t want to be like everyone else.
They lie. They care only about themselves and their own. They are like everyone else. They don’t care about you.
Everyone fails. Everyone is imperfect.
Why does it hurt if they are like everyone else?
And then I become everyone else. And no idea how to stop it.
But it is not just me. I am not the sole perpetrator in this nonsense. They do do as I have said. I just don’t know how to let the slights slide.
Perceived a fake, and a fake perhaps I am, but they give meaning to ‘the perfect drug’; and they are addicting. Their energy eases your soul. Friend.
I know a friend. I have had a friend. I have had friends. Drop everything for someone they haven’t seen in years to pick them up when they were stranded. Gave money. Time. Resources. A shoulder to cry on. Ear to bend. They never had to be reminded. Never had to be shown. They made you feel like family.
It’s an anomaly to me; why can’t I figure out the riddle?
The best of the best. None can compare; so why compare?
Dual personalities. One is your equal, the other looks down at you. One can speak openly to you for hours, the other thinks you are beyond ‘understanding’. One is honest, the other lies. Both are talented. Both are funny. Both comprise the best.
It’s the thought that counts. Just the thought. I can’t get it through to them.
I just want to be considered.
I find it hilarious that people can call you names, but cannot bring you down with logic or actual facts; that they have to resort to name calling is a clear indicator that they don’t have shit. It is only hilarious to me because they actually think they have made a jab at you; they actually think it means something. But yet if you ask for back-up, there is none to be found; yet they want every evidence you have against them if you say anything against them. It’s hilarious to me that this is humanity.
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I wanted to die. Like really. The kind where if you had a gun, you would be dead. I used to think I had overcome that feeling. The true feeling I mean. I’d like to think everyone must wish they were dead at some point in their life…it’d make me feel a whole lot better if they thought about it at least once a week…
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I am no fool. I’m smarter than many people give me credit for and I see more than people give me credit for. I’m tired of people treating me like a child and like I don’t know wtf is going on; I know. I know more than I let on because I know it is a waste of my time and energy otherwise; sometimes I waste the energy to prove a point. I’m not a moron. And I’m tired of being treated like one.