I think I’m pretty awesome. I am not as super talented as some of my friends and family, but I am a good friend, funny, kind, and pretty darn good at problem solving! I’m awesome in being myself. I am not cocky about who I am, and I don’t try to demean others to uplift myself more, but I am confident that who I am is enough to be a good friend, sister, and lover.
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Some people can look at a couple and wonder what one was thinking in getting with the other; they judge by the outer appearances. They see what their narrow minds show them. Judging eyes.
I’ve been guilty of judging my reaction to someone based on their appearances; that is, I have been guilty of not thinking I can be attracted to someone based on their appearances. Not that they are ugly by any means, but that I would not feel the chemistry. After all, why waste the energy if the chemistry is not going to be there? Some people make better friends than lovers; if I can gauge which goes into which category best, I can gauge how much effort I will put to them. Not to say that lovers get more text time or friends get more face time and vice versa, but rather that if you can only fit in the “lovers” category, and I don’t want you as a friend, I don’t have to put any effort. Yet if you can only fit in the “friends” category, I’m not gonna spend the extra effort to let you know I’m thinking about you either. 😉
It makes sense in my head. In my head, I am still wrong; I make rash decisions and mistakes, but I don’t give up because of a bad break.
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I saw an article a few weeks ago about a professional cuddler; the comments on the article went primarily in the direction of ‘prostitute’, but it is not until the past couple of days that I truly understand the ‘service’ she offers. I crave to be held–intimate touch, but not in the sense of being sexual. I want to be close to someone and feel comforted by their touch. I feel so anxious lately for no apparent reason; I find myself just craving to be held. I want to sit in someone’s arms. I want the old school make-out session: no sex required. I want an all-day-movie-thon curled up under the covers. Spoon. Touch. Feel.
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I will be 31 years old in a few months. This does not depress me at all. I am not one of those women who thinks age is a hindrance or a representative of what I should have been or could be doing. I am not one of those women who thinks XYZ should be happening or already happened. Rather, I am still in awe in how I am ever-changing; I do not settle. I know that I can be better than myself.
Over the years, many have misjudged me; they have assumed they know me or that they know who I am. Reading this blog, one could assume I am a depressed, lost soul. One could assume I am a lovesick puppy who pines over lost love. One could assume that I live in a fantasy world because I prefer it to reality. One could assume I’m a recluse. Solitary. Abandoned. Continue reading
Who falls in love at first sight? You can’t do that, I’ve always said; love at first convo, certainly, but love at first sight…hardly. But then there is my most favorite quote ever from a movie that is quite hilarious to me [love some British accents and the comedy is very well executed, lol] that really touches to home:
I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes… Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole.
-Luce from the movie Imagine Me & You
What I like about this quote so much is that it makes sense! It validates love at first sight for me.
I love getting to know someone I feel a connection with and think could be the one. I love finding that with every new thing I learn about them, they prove to be even more wonderful than I first thought. Nobody’s perfect, but I crave the perfect imperfection that is finding joy and love in their imperfections–the imperfections that make them so unique and that much more lovable. I love falling into love.
Love at first sight may not be such an anomaly; perhaps I just haven’t been right.
Every now and again, I like to read over past posts to see where my mind was and what I was thinking. In reading my Maddening post, I felt like I sounded a lot crazier than I was or even intended to sound. I realized then and still now that what I was writing sounded crazy and could technically be considered crazy (though the ‘psychotic’ connection we like to make with the word is our own making, and not Psychologically sound at all), but I am not clinically crazy/troubled/insane or anything along those lines. Stressed, yes. Burned out, yes. Anxious, yes. But crazy I am not. And not to say that I am trying to justify myself or clarify that I am not crazy when I actually am (as many mentally deficient people tend to do), but to say that I do have a clear knowledge of right and wrong and can control my actions accordingly. I may make decisions that in hindsight are volatile or the wrong decisions, but in the moment, even if my logic is flawed, I am still taking calculated risks. In the moments even, I know that I will regret some decisions later, but I truly have lived by the mantra that ‘you only live once’ and you should therefore try almost anything once and/or live with no regrets. While I do live with some regrets, I learn more and more that I need to do more and think less to avoid adding more regrets.
It’s maddening; the idea that I am repeating this period of my life, and for how long? How long will I be reliving the moment? Everyone tells me it’s neurological and/or my Epilepsy, but it feels SO real! It feels so fantastically real but like there is no end. The never-ending paradox created how? Why? Why me? If it is just Epilepsy, how could it create the feeling so vividly? Are our minds so fascinatingly powerful that we can deceive ourselves into believing we have lived this very moment before? Are we able to create this world that is a sea of repeat at the toss of a hat? I feel like I did this a year ago, but I know it can’t be possible; not in the literal sense anyhow. Perhaps in the sense that I never see the end of this year or beginning of next. Maybe I cycle through. Maybe it’s my bargain with God.
I wanted to prove to someone that I really cared about them (because I did) so I bargained with God. I felt like last year was my last (yes, I am that lost and confused at times) and bargained for another just to be able to prove to that someone that someone could actually care about them just for being them. I didn’t get to do that; at least, I didn’t get as much time to do that as I would have expected. Does God call in his deal? What if I was wrong? What if I didn’t have one last year? My mind spirals into a thought process that includes multiple variations of the future; what if the bargain made no sense in the context? Of course it made no sense, right? I am a generally healthy person; I rarely get sick even. Yet I have written this post before (and even knowing that in my head, I feel compelled to write it still); I feel it to the core of my body that I have lived this moment of my life before. Am I doomed to repeat it over and over and what point is the breaking point of the paradox? What point must I do differently to prevent it from happening again? How do I relate that information to my future self?
I know I sound crazy; I feel crazy. I know it doesn’t make sense; I feel crazy. I’m not crazy though; I don’t want to be crazy. I do feel detached from reality; I do feel extreme deja vu, but I don’t know what to do. It’s maddening the feeling that I will keep doing the same thing over and over again. I don’t know how to break the paradox.