What’s so great about reality anyhow? Rules, obligations, truth, reality…

I love to be entertained; it could be the ADHD that I always have to be entertained or I go mad, but nothing entertains me better than the world of fantasy. Oh the places you can go, the people you can see, the adventures you can have! The world of fantasy; mystical, dark, light, funny, sad, adventurous, seductive, and limitless. Fantasy beats reality any day.

Could I lose myself to the world of fantasy? Could my mind become so enthralled in the euphoria that is the bliss of fantasy? I get lost in hours of a show that is everything I could want in a fantasy: new, different, sexy, and hilarious.

It’s new until it isn’t. My Deja Vu Disorder prohibits me from enjoying a new experience in its entirety at times because I get caught up in thinking I’ve seen this episode before, and if I have, when? When did I see this episode that is so fresh and new that I would not have had the time (both in my life and in the time frame of the episodes) to do so? Wouldn’t I love to be outside of reality…to have an answer to the questions I cannot answer…wouldn’t I love to be able to cheat reality? Is it that I don’t want to die? To be more specific, I don’t want to cease to exist; I don’t want to cease thought.

Yet I have thought less about death in the past year than my whole lifetime, but have had more fits of deja vu in the past year than my whole lifetime. What gives? Can’t I have a little normalcy? I think too much, but from what I am understanding of people, we all sort of do; some just think about a select few things while others think of a myriad of things. Or rather, the people I have been ‘pulled into’ seem to be that way; perhaps I like to be around thinkers. I think I would grow bored with a simple person rather quickly; their thoughts can’t lead me down different rabbit holes.

I’m still trying to figure myself out. I think.

I feel alone at times and think I want that ‘special someone’, but whenever I set out to find them, I grow tired and bored of the task just as quickly as the idea came to mind. I feel like I have already been in love and don’t know how to be in love again. Yet how can I know that I have been in love if the object of my affection didn’t return my affection? Isn’t to be truly in love to be in love with someone who is in turn in love with you?

And that’s where fantasy rules and reality bites; in the world of fantasy, the lost love comes back in the end. Am I holding out for the fantasy? Not at all; I’m making myself a better person for my actual love, but in the process I am enjoying the other fantasy worlds that TV, Internet, and books provide. I love the break from reality, I love a good laugh, and I love that I am still pressing onward; I fear ‘finality’, but to fear the inevitable is a battle that cannot be won.

Accepting defeat is always so anti-climatic though!