I have been doing a lot of introspection lately and trying to overcome my demons and embrace my angels. I hang out with a variety of people of a range of ages and it is interesting to see the way others view the world. Some perceptions are rooted in the same ideas (ie. ‘you can’t help those who can’t help themselves’ or ‘take care of yourself first’ etc.) and others are either demented versions of the truth or lessons you never had to learn yourself.

I wish I would have done a lot more introspection in my early 20s because I don’t think I would have made many of the mistakes I did, or at least on as grand of a scale as I did at times. I would have surely made other mistakes, but I would have guarded my heart better; that is the only mistake that hits me the most.

Before we die, we seem to think about our past and what we would have liked to differently. I wonder if, given the chance, we would actually do anything different? After all, the things we usually want to change are major points in our lives that lead to other events that we might hold as valuable memories. They are major points enough that we think they were pivotal points even. So pivotal that we would like to go back and do that point differently. But would we? If it is that pivotal, wouldn’t it lead to a whole different outcome if you went back and changed it? Like those ‘create your own story’ books that we used to read when we were kids: at each pivotal point, the story can be changed. The pivotal point is always there no matter how many times you read the book, but your different choices at each point can make for a different story and ending altogether.

Do we have regrets because we didn’t do something or is it that we still want to live? Many of our regrets are based on things we should have done rather than what we shouldn’t have done; at least, that is how it is for me I should say. I do regret a few things I have done in my past, but only things that I have done that impacted someone else. I regret things more that I should have done because I try to live by the idea that we only have one life to live. As true as it is, it is still hard to seize the day. Sometimes it is because I don’t want to have the regret of doing something that impacted someone else negatively. I don’t mind trying and falling myself, but I would hate myself more if I hurt, abused, or slighted another person.

I don’t want to be old and thinking about what I should have and could have done. I am finding so much inner peace lately in exploring my thoughts, pains, regrets, energy, and goals. I am finding inner peace in taking better care of myself and my heart. I will undoubtedly fail again as the imperfect human that I am, but I hope not to fail in the same manner. As long as I keep getting up and trying, I should build myself into a stronger individual.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. Before you die, I hope you find peace with yourself.