In speaking of lies, I began to think about a lie we tell without knowing that it is a lie. The unconditional love lie.

Unconditional love should not exist to begin with except for the love between parent and child; and not even to the point of confusing forgiveness with turning a blind eye. Love is blind, but it shouldn’t always be. When you can’t love yourself, love should not be; THAT love should not be, and it certainly can’t be called ‘unconditional’.

Unconditional love quite literally means love without conditions; in other words, I love you no matter what. No matter what. Anything you can think of, I still love you. How illogical is that?

How can you continue to love someone who makes you feel small? Makes you small? Changes you for the worse? Only thinks of themselves? How can you love someone who only cares about their true happiness and not your own? How can you love someone who hurts you physically? Hurts you mentally? Hurts you, period?

Of course we can’t go through life without hurting the ones we love; that is a given. We are all imperfect, selfish-at-our-core individuals who usually desire to love and be loved, but we don’t always make the mark. Sometimes we have spread ourselves so thin that we simply must think of ourselves first and retreat from the world. Sometimes it is a necessity to guard the heart. But the actual reality is that sometimes we lack the ability to love. Some even lack the desire for it. Whether we were taught to love differently than others or truly lack the capacity to care about anyone other than ourselves, we inevitably end up hurting a loved one.

The difference is in knowing the difference.

Many know what that means exactly; they know that it means knowing the difference of intentions. Many know that if the intent is to harm or the intent is in vain, these are the types of events that cause us to question our relationship. Grief, sorrow, despair, anger, drunken stupor: we can handle those; we understand those. Those are the basic hurts of life; we expect to see the asshole come out. The hurts that are perpetrated for the pleasure of one at the expense of another, that are done in malice or even disregard of anyone else but themselves; the hurts that feel intentional–that peculiar feeling that you get in the back of your head at the crescent of your neck– that hurt is the different hurt. The kind from a love that is not true.

True love doesn’t happen for everyone; that doesn’t mean that one’s love for you cannot be true. You being able to discern if it is or not is the difference in knowing the difference; if you can’t discern it for yourself, you will constantly be lead by a silver tongue. The words of the whimsical will lead you one direction while the soulless, selfish slob leads you in another. The problem is the truth is multi-directional, and there is no absolute truth. Absolute truth cannot exist without absolute knowledge; since we can never have absolute knowledge, we will never have absolute truth. Therefor you have the truth I give, the truth you know, the truth you see, the truth you accept, the truth that actually is, and that doesn’t count the truth that others observe which at times may affect you. Being so multi-directional, it can be easy to be swayed in many directions as well! The ability to remain grounded and firm in the truth that is ‘being the same truth that you know and accept because it is the same truth you see’ [you see what happens then, right? When the truth you know is the same truth you see, accept, and feel, there is no way for it to be anything other than the truth that is.] is the measure of an individual who both wants to have healthy relationships, but also show they care for those they care to have those healthy relationships with. But when the truth you see is not the truth you accept or know or feel, how can you be so confident that it is true? True truth should be the absolute truth that does not change; the problem is the fact that you do not have absolute knowledge so you can’t always accept that truth. Even though that very truth itself is indeed absolute and the truth, you never have a way of knowing that and therefor have to rely on everything else of which you can rely. But again, since the absolute truth does not change, the others on which you can rely [see, hear, feel, know] should all line up very nicely; they should never contradict each other being the same truth, see? If you find yourself convincing yourself they love you or care, you will always wind up in a tail spin because you are trying to make something that is false, true or vice-versa. An apple is always an apple except when it is not; this is the inherent property of all of life and applies to everything. The truth is always the truth except when it is a lie; so how do you expect to reconcile a lie with truth? You can’t and, therefor, the tailspin begins.

The lie that is unconditional love is in the fact that at our core, we are selfish. Not in the ill sense of the word, but in the actual sense that we inherently take care of our-self first; we survive, and we have to protect ourselves in order to care for ourselves. If we don’t care for ourselves, we can never truly be happy. When guarding the heart from pain, it can be a custom to let go of the ones hurting it. Everyone has a breaking point; some are more apt to prevent reaching it, others think it is all they have to feel, and others break down only to start the cycle over again.

A parent loves unconditionally in the sense that this child they gave life to is an extension of themselves and, as we care for ourselves, so must we care for our children [extensions of ourselves]. The problem is, if we were totally honest, we would all agree that the unconditional part is really kind of conditional in the fact that it is congruent with the parent-child relationship alone; outside of the parent-child complex, some would have to admit that they would never associate with or condone their kids. The unconditional is like a hoax in essence; it is because no matter what, a good parent loves their child, but it isn’t because sometimes a parent must remind themselves that this is their child to remind them that they must love them no matter what. This unconditional love is a teaching love; you love through their faults, but teach them to overcome their faults. This is true unconditional love because again, the actions, sights, feelings, and truth encompass caring for the object of that unconditional love without the need for a peptalk or guilt trip [unprovoked essentially]. You want to teach your child to be aware of their faults and themselves essentially that they may grow to be productive, healthy adults. You want to teach your child. You love them enough to put the effort into teaching, nurturing, guiding, and comforting them. Because you love them unconditionally; you are a good parent.

You don’t turn a blind eye because to turn a blind eye is to suffocate the truth and cause the child to question.

Questions are great; they evoke thoughts and dreams and motivate desires. The problem lies in what type of questions are presented. Give the child questions that encourage growth and learning, and you have a well-rounded child. Make the child question what love and right is and you make a kid confused. The right questions lead to the right path.

You can’t plant a seed of confusion and expect it not to flourish.

And so the unconditional lie; if you love unconditionally, you set yourself up to be hurt more often than not, but if you can find love that is true, the unconditional part is a non-issue because they will not set you up to the point where you are confused. Did I lose anyone? The fact is that you shouldn’t love someone else unconditionally to the point of self-destruction, but there can be people in your life that you can love unconditionally because they will not abuse that clause: they will not give you reason to remind yourself that you must indeed love them since you love them unconditionally…without condition…[get it?]

We want to believe in unconditional love, but as with trusting ourselves in the face of a lie, we must trust ourselves to know who we can and cannot entrust that love to.