I can be amused by a many of things; sometimes it doesn’t take much, sometimes I’m just not amused. I amuse myself, I amuse my friends, and I amuse my clients, but sometimes, I am not amused. I am not easily amused if I don’t like you, but sometimes I am, even if I don’t like you. I enjoy amusement.

I can’t tell anymore if I am amused to distract myself from my life or if I am actually amused. I question myself and what I feel anymore. I question who I am, and what my reality is; reality in the sense of the who that I am, not in like the world we share. My ‘truth’ about myself I guess I should say. I sometimes find myself questioning who I am and where I’m going.

I don’t question that I am the named individual that I am, but rather if I am the person I have made myself to be. I don’t question what I want to do, but rather if I am ever going to get there. I try to be a nice person in general, but in general, I suck. I am only nice to people I care to be nice to…and most strangers because that is what is ‘polite’ and above all else, I am [to my detriment sometimes] always polite [though of course, my view of what is polite is sometimes negated by someone else’s opinion, I do try]…and while I don’t expect anything in return, I do expect for those I help to at least respect me as their equal on this earth just as their peers. I don’t expect to be treated like a minion or child or sub par; I don’t expect praise or recognition [I am horrible at accepting compliments if not in jest], but I would like to count. A heartfelt thanks, a check-in-on-how-I’m-doing, or a respectable handshake or hug is always welcome and makes me feel better than a praise ever could. Yet, because of this, I sometimes question whether or not I am really nice at my core; I question whether or not I really am selfish at my core.

I’m not materialistic. But I question if at my core, I am. It’s not that I have to have the latest gadget, but I do like gadget-toys. It’s not that I have to have the nicest things, but I do like to wear nice things. I like things that are material, but given the choice between things vs love or things vs family or things vs my best friend, I choose the love, family, and best friend above all any time. Would they do the same for me? Depends on which you are speaking to of course, but to me, they are all important. Honestly, I don’t even know if that includes my parents or not at this point. I question things I am so strongly opinionated on because I just don’t have anything better to do.

It is only as I write or discuss my thoughts sometimes that I start to understand myself. I created this blog to be an online diary to myself. I created WordVomit.com because I wanted to be able to spit out whatever thoughts come to my head and let them be as they may. It is only as I started to write this blog post that I wrote out my thought process as it happened and that I came to the realization of why I question myself. I question myself because I have nothing better to do. I don’t entertain myself. I don’t keep myself amused. I should talk more with friends, hang out more with friends, read more, do more, get out more, and think less. I think too much. I just don’t know how to turn off the thoughts; I don’t know how to stop the tangents. I find comfort in the abyss and that depresses me.

I am depressed. I am not amused.