I am fascinated with the human mind. Perhaps because I am constantly aware of many of my short-comings, but can never seem to overcome them. In my head, I know what needs to be done, I just don’t seem to follow through. Or I can’t stop myself. I can’t stop myself from investing in people despite no considerable gains. I can’t stop myself from being an asshole despite knowing that I am indeed an asshole [and therefor should not put myself in more positions to be one]. I can’t stop myself from having to have the truth out there despite knowing that I sound like a child. I can’t stop myself from sounding like a moron despite knowing I in fact sound like a moron. No BS; I sound so stupid sometimes that I just have to stop mid-stupidity just to stop from beating myself up mentally over sounding so stupid.

And it’s not like a ‘I feel stupid, love me’ sort of thing; it is a literal ‘I know this is not how I normally am, but at this moment I can’t control the fact that I sound like a moron and while it intrigues me, I would much rather not ever sound like I do in this moment.’ I am aware of some of my short-comings because some of them downright annoy me. It annoys me because I sound like a child, but I want people to treat me like an adult. I will be 30 next month and I still sound like a kid. Sometimes with my pipe dreams, but sometimes with my asshole comments. A lot of times when I tangent, and some times when I am trying so hard to be serious. And I don’t understand why I can’t do something as simple as remaining ‘me’ through and through! I don’t like that other me. I don’t like the way she sounds. She sounds like a kid. I am not a kid.

This book I have been reading lately suggested getting a 5 subject notebook to journal in and I did. But when I sat down to write, I found that my thoughts were too fast to be able to express from pen to paper so I started blogging. It has made me become more aware and accountable to myself, but it has also just allowed me to try and understand what is going on to see if I can try and better myself. I don’t want to be this neurotic ‘kid’. I don’t want to be an asshole when I am hurt. I don’t want to tangent when there is no real good reason in the world to do so. I don’t want to be so fucking ‘voicy’. [I know, not a word, but it’s how I feel and I’m kinda liking this ‘write what I am thinking’ business; I’m sure the point was successfully relayed though!]

I like the idea that I can change though; I just have to figure out how!